The Shadow Proves the Sunshine

(Source: iwilltrustinyou)

I’m sitting here thinking of all that has changed in the last few years, all the people I’ve said goodbye to and all the times I’ve wished that change was not a process I’d have to go through.

I’m not sure where I’ve been lately, last month I seem to remember feeling pretty good about life but I know that since then I’ve allowed myself to disappear into the walls of my apartment.

As I look out the window, at the sunny bright blue sky, I am trying to figure out what emotions are flooding through my veins. It has taken me many minutes to realize, to my surprise, that I am relaxed, at peace, calm.

It is surprising because for so long that is not the feelings that I have come know

I feel like I’m waking up from a long dreary dream. I mean nothing has changed, I’m just as separated from my friends and christian community as I was yesterday, my courses are still unbearably bad, I’m still in the worst shape of my life (mentally, physically, and spiritually).

Where is this peace coming from?

I can only attribute it to God and the prayers he must have heard last night.

His peace which passes all understanding!

No one leaves this world without wounds, scars left from past struggles both figurative and physical. It is part of being human.

There are good days as well, moments of bliss and freedom, delight.

We share so much in common yet do our best to hide, fake it, pretend our problems away. Secretly we cry and mourn and pray that no one will find us out.

If honesty is allowable then I can tell you that I have had some spectacular days lately, days where freedom reigned. I wish I could end there but to keep on this theme in truth the last few have not been as uplifting.

no

these past few days have been dreadful. where has my heart gone why can’t I feel what I felt?

knowing is not enough, living is more then just words, our actions show where are hearts lie. His Grace is enough but will we take it? what will we do with it after?

What will my tomorrow bring?

I’m going camping tomorrow. it is supposed to rain. I am so excited! I’ve taken 4 days off work and am going to the woods to spend some time alone with God.

Over the past few weeks God has been revealing so much to me and I need to get away to let it all sink in. I’m also leading worship this Sunday for my church’s communion service so I have to be back in town by Saturday afternoon for our practice session.

God loves you more then you can possibly comprehend and he desires for you to be close to him. stop running and turn back to a redeeming savior who offers healing, redemption and restoration

Where to begin? how do you put all that has been running through your head in a single post without sounding like a crazy person? some Of you may have noted that the amount of posts I’ve been making have dropped in quantity, others may have noticed that what has been posted is mostly re-blogs or some comment of little importance.

I have been struggling for the past year to be real, to be the man God made me to be instead of the fake who goes along with whatever is convenient. I’ve mentioned how I love a lot of activities but will not take the effort to do them unless there is someone else to take the lead. the thing is that it is so easy to fall into the role your friends have placed you in. When I was away from Newfoundland I grew but when I returned I soon fell back into my assigned role. Hearing the stories told jokingly of all my stupid comments and deeds from back in Jr. High.

I don’t know how far I’ve come in my journey of being real. In fact in many ways I think I’m stunted be my fears. what happens if I finally step up and fail so miserably? Or what if I can’t handle it but there are no more masks to hide behind?

I don’t have any answers but I do think this year will be one of great change. It hit me hard the past weekend just how different my life will be. Steph, Justin, Carl, Jenn, Jane, Nancy, Daniel, Nicole……(and there are others) will be leaving Newfoundland. These are some of my closest friends and confidants, the people to whom I turn to for answers and guidance and friendship and laughter. I don’t know who I will be without them. they are the people that I talk to 95% of the time I am going to miss them terribly. It is going to break my heart a little more then a lot to see so many of them go all at the same time.

It will in all likelihood be a very lonely year….but hopefully God will use this time to show me who I am without them. More than just the friendly guy in the corner but Timothy in all my screwed and messed up ways open and honest and being used by God and falling more in love with Him and learning to stand as the man he made me to be with his loving support and guidance

I’m not sure if this made any sense at all either way its what I’m trying to work through at the moment. I would value any comment, suggestion, or opinion.

Peace

~Timothy~